When I'm Gone by Jessica Grace

Author:Jessica Grace [Grace, Jessica]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2021-04-21T16:00:00+00:00

An elderly nurse wearing floral rimmed glasses led me to the waiting area while my mum was taken for tests. The smell of antiseptic floated from the corridors to my left, with nurses and doctors rushing back and forth in their blue scrubs. I was sitting still with my eyes closed for a short time, trying to forget where I was, but the faint sound of heart monitors and other hospital equipment made it hard to ignore. Other than the day I was born, I had never stepped foot in a hospital. I’d never needed to. Being there gave me an eerie feeling, and I knew something wasn’t right—I sensed it in my gut. The feeling poked, prodded, and told me time and time again to expect the worst.

I had always trusted my gut over my head, and this shouldn’t have been any different, so why was I fighting it?

I watched as a doctor stepped foot into the waiting area, and all those seated stared in his direction. He pulled his surgical cap from his head and ran a hand through his greying hair. He appeared to be in his fifties, but I couldn’t be too sure. His eyes were bloodshot, as though he hadn’t had a chance to close them.

He started walking towards me, and I felt my eyes close. This was it—my world was about to fall apart for the second time in my life.

Except, when I opened them again, he approached an older man beside me, sitting alone only a few seats over. Before the doctor had a chance to speak, the man began crying, then the doctor reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder. I heard the words “we did everything we could.” The man covered his mouth as he choked back his sobs.

I didn’t know much about grief on the inside, but I knew how it looked from the out. Of course, I’d experienced loss at seven, but I still didn’t understand it per se. It quietly reverberated throughout my life, like background music. It grew with me, without filling me all at once.

It was hard not to stare, and I wondered who he had lost. My heart hurt for him.

My heart hurt for me, too.

I checked my phone for messages while I waited. I hadn’t told Beckett about what had happened, so I wasn’t expecting a text from him. I wasn’t sure what to say. I think he’d care—I think he’d want to know. But what could I tell him when I didn’t know what was happening myself?

Ayden texted me. It wasn’t much, just a ring me later, and a black heart emoji.

I switched my phone off when it flashed with low battery.

I had fallen asleep at some point and was woken by a nurse, letting me know my mum was ready to leave after being discharged. I rubbed at my eyes and watched as she came into view. A smile graced her face as though she hadn’t been in the hospital for the past eight hours.

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